|
Essays
Poetry
News
Op Ed
Teacher Resources
Principal Office
Classifieds
Fun Exercises
Schools Published
Sports
Service Requests
Decision Guide
| |
|
GOOD KIDS SOMETIMES DO BAD THINGS
SHERRY doesn't lie," her mother said to me. We were discussing an incident which Sherry, age 13, had said occurred while my daughter, Amy, was baby-sitting. When I asked Amy about the report, she broke down in tears. She'd always been Sherry's favorite sitter. How, Amy asked, could Sherry have said such a thing?
My daughter is not a liar -- though she had told her mother and me an occasional whopper during her childhood, always in vain attempt to stay out of trouble. I was fairly certain that by now she had overcome that foolishness. I hadn't caught her in a lie in years, and I was fairly certain she was telling the truth about this particular incident. Nonetheless, I put on the full-court press. Amy successfully exonerated herself with me, so I then suggested that we not say anything further about the matter to Sherry's mother. Amy agreed, and we dropped the matter.
Twenty or so years of active parenting has taught me a valuable lesson: Any child, no matter how good a, job his or her parents have done, is capable of just doing anything.
There has been, to my knowledge, only one sinless Child, Every child before and since has carried imperfection into the world. Such is the state of being human. To say that a certain child is -good is always to speak relatively. The fact is, the best of children, under the right (or wrong, depending on your point of view) circumstances, will do bad things. The bad things in question may not be typical of the child, but atypical and inconceivable are two entirely different things. Any child is capable of lying, stealing, hurting a smaller child, using inappropriate language, disobedience, and so on. You name it, a child is capable of it.
Today's parents seem generally unwilling to accept this fact of life as-a-human. I am convinced their reluctance stems from the vain (in the biblical sense) belief that everything their children do is a reflection of themselves. Accordingly, if a child excels at something, today's parents' are wont to credit themselves. Likewise, if a child does something bad, today's parents feel guilty. And they tend to deal with that guilt by denying that the child is capable of the "badness" in question.
Taking credit in this way is pride, pure and simple-and pride, need I remind, is a deadly sin. It's deadly, in his case, because such a parental attitude fails to assign primary responsibility for either excellence or sin where it belongs, to the child, and a child who grows up lacking a sense of personal responsibility is in potentially deadly straits indeed.
Today's parents have also been told that making children feet bad about themselves damages self esteem. In previous generations, parents generally tried to make children accountable for their behavior. Today parents generally try to make children feel "good a6out themselves. The problem is, you can't make children accept accountability without making them feel bad about themselves when they've done something bad. Denial of a child's sinful nature has no place in this equation. Furthermore, accepting that a child is capable of sin- just about any sin, in fact, essential to truly loving the child. Paul says as much in Corinthians. What's it going to take for parents to listen to Paul's wisdom?
Several weeks after the incident with Sherry, her mother called Amy to apologize. She had discovered that Sherry had lied. I prayed that this mother didn't take it personally. I also prayed that she realized this was not the first time Sherry had lied. And I proved, as well, that she realized Sherry's lie doesn't mean Sherry is a bad kid.
After all, Sherry's only human.
***************************
Family psychologist John Rosemond is director of the Center for Affirmative Parenting, in Gastonia, North Carolina. For information on his parenting newsletter, call (800) 525-2778 |
|
|
|
|
|
